16 Oct 1956

Monday – 15 Oct 56

My dearest,

Your long letter arrived today. Lord – what a lucky guy I am to have a wife like you. I read the letter you wrote in May and after thinking about it I wonder you didn’t throw me out before this. You were so right and I’ve been so wrong. I won’t try to apologize again – its almost too late anyway for that and I’ve done it so many times it would almost seem superfluous. It really took this trip through to make me realize what I have waiting for me at home. After reading your letter my spirits went up for the first time since I left home.

I wonder if you know what it is to sit in a BOQ room at night and hear nothing but male voices, or a radio blaring out while its owner tries to drown out his homesickness with noise. Do you know what its like not to hear a wife’s laughter, or the banging of a screen door as the kids go storming in and out, or see a smiling face at the table or feel the touch of your hand or the warmth of your lovely body at night? It’s the most dull, boring, miserable existence on earth. It isn’t just sex, although I admit that is a large part of it when two people are as happy as we are – but it goes so much deeper – its like half of you is missing. It’s a terrible lost feeling. I could tell you I love you from now until doomsday – but I can never explain how much – you just can’t measure it in terms that can be understood. Sure you like to hear me tell you “how much” I do, but my answers are so inadequate and always will be.

You’ve given me a gift in the last 2½ years, my darling, that I can never repay. You’ve stuck by me, given me the courage to go on when I needed it the most. And I still need it – but your letter today has shown me how close I came to losing everything. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for believing in me. I know I’ve mistreated you, not physically, but unintentionally mentally. It hasn’t been my choice – believe me, but I’ve done something these last 2 years I’ve never done in my life – I’ve used people to gain an end. To do this I’ve tried to be like them in order to get as close to their thinking as I could. Thomas served his purpose, and like you, I’m glad he’s gone. He taught me how to do my job a little better – even though unconsciously I picked up his other faults. Larry I used in the same way. I don’t think either realized it. Thank heaven, I’ve found out in time how far not to go in the future. I’ll never be a perfect husband but I swear to you I’ll never subject you or the kids to a repetition of this again. Life without you or the kids would have no purpose and I could never stand it.

You mentioned my first marriage – true, I’ve never said much about it because I could never prove anything. It was, on the surface, a case of desertion, she walked out but I knw in my heart she had been unfaithful. Knowing this, could I be unfaithful to you? Would the loss of all I hold sacred be worth a few minutes of a physical thrill? I won’t admit that I don’t look but I just couldn’t carry through if I tired. I’m just not built that way. I remember when we were first married telling you once that when we were joined together you seemed to transmit to me an inner strength – an answer to a mental or spiritual need. How inadequate that is today! It’s a will to live, a courage to face the problems of another day. And it’s the pride in showing off to the world my family – I can say to any man “see my children – and the lovely woman who gave them to me – my WIFE. I love you, my darling. To hold you again, to kiss your lips, your eyes, to stroke your lovely body – I’d give anything tonight to whisper to you in person. Believe me I’ll never let you go!!

To answer your questions now, thanks for sending the new credit card and the dues – once you belong to a lodge you always belong to that one regardless of where you are. You never leave your home lodge.

I’m glad your lip is better and hope there are no after affects on the teeth.

I guess after 9 years you should know about the copper earring and bracelet. Anita never knew I bought them until we were home.

I won’t comment on Larry’s actions now. Suffice to say he had his nerve and I’m proud of the way you handled it.

Yes, we have been back studying several nights – the course seems to pick up speed each day. Like sorta hanging onto the tail end of the Chicago Limited at 90mph. You can’t afford to let go.

Tell Bubba I’ll be home about the 24th, that will give us some free time of our own. I have something for you too – so there too!!

I’m glad to see you are eating fairly well – now lets be getting some sleep, too. Don’t you go getting too thin – I don’t want a new girlfriend – I want my wife I left. However I’ll agree to a hairdo and a minor redistribution of weight but nix on the loosing part unless its preventing you from wearing your knit suits. I want to see you in those this winter. I like my girl sleek and sexy in knit suits! I like my girl!!

Goodnight my sweet
You own all my love
Charlie